Since Kara uses blogspot, and I need to know everything about her life, I'm switching back to the other journal i recently made (http://ravingxxhippie.blogspot.com/)

I deleted everything i wrote, I deleted so much in this journal as well. I can't explain why I felt I needed to do it. Honestly, it felt like i was deleting every part of me that existed this past year and a half...I dispise that person. It wasn't even Maggie-if that makes sense. Everything feels different now though- better. Happier.

I guess it's a form of denial. That by deleting my "memories" written down in these journals i'm convincing myself they don't exist. I guess this whole time wasn't a waste of my life, but just something to learn from, and forget.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

There's only one that finally got me out of this spiral.

Last night..

Maggie: I can't though. I made a promise.
Brian: to who?
Maggie: Someone.
Brian: who?
Maggie: why does it matter?
Brian: let me guess is it...BILLY?
Maggie: no.
Brian: who then?
Maggie: *smile* Someone <3

So I'm actually going to TRY and use this journal. Life passes by too quickly, memories aren't perfect, and things must be written down. They're just too precious. Thursday was really awesome because Ben and I (and unfortunately not Tania) went to this club for the first time where you LEARN how to cook Indian food and then you get a free delicious meal! I couldn't ask for anything more on a Thursday night. Since Tania has to commute though, I just surprised her with a wonderful plate of Indian food the next afternoon :] Friday: I volenteered at the Co-Op, and helped everyone cook while listening to trance and making friends :] And at the end i learned that all my hours of work got me food points! So free food+ vegan/vegetarian/organic restaurant= I'm eating at the Co-Op from now on :] Today I had a few very interesting calls...

1) I tried to order this reallyyy pretty flowing skirt and a baja hoodie online (really cheap!!) but it kept denying my debit card saying my address didn't match. I finally gave up and decided i was being hinted at that i shouldn't buy these two pieces of clothing (i tried so many times to order it). Thankfully, i just happened to have wanted to check my banking account online and noticed it registered me as ordering it SEVEN times-even though each time it said on the site that the card was denied. I called the store and they said that it will be deleted MONDAY when the manager comes in. Ugh. I need monday to come. I really didn't expect to spend hundreds of dollars on multiple pieces of the same clothing...i really did like them but not THAT much.

2) I was sitting in bed reading Pride and Prejudice (Sooooo good!) and a random number started calling me. I answered, and the girl at the opposite end of the line told me she was from my school and was friends with a Katy?? Anyway, she called me to tell me that Roxanne was in her backyard. Firstly, i have NO idea how this random girl had my number, and secondly how she knew my dog's name was Roxanne. But then again...what person i meet HASN'T heard me ramble about her. ;) I told her it was slightly impossible for me to get down to Gaithersburg from sitting in my bed in my dorm far away with no car at College Park. I got a hold of my dad eventually, but he said that he left Roxanne inside with all the doors closed. How did she get out then? Through the window? I have no idea..




A GREAT song :] A weird video though- i'm not quite sure why there's a guy in the middle of the movie puking of blue grime..?

Yesterday Andrew, Morgan, Ashley and I all went to the Montgomery County fair yesterday. Andrew had just gotten back from his trip across America to finish his book the other day, and I figured this would be a fun way to spend a friday afternoon =) First we paid eight dollars as an entry fee, and as we walked around the small area, looking at all the "four tickets" and "three tickets" signs in front of the rides, we realised it was a complete waste of money. Then of course our whole day got turned around when we saw the sign at the ticket booth that said "10 dollars unlimited rides (except one)" And since Andrew and the gang followed my advice to go as early as possible, we got on every ride with no more of thirty seconds of waiting. Then as it turned into evening the families started showing up with their young children, then the middle schoolers, and finally before we left around seven the teens started popping up. The last two rides we went on took about 5 min of waiting each, so i'm so happy we went early! Definately a wonderful day =)

I don't know why it took me so long to realize this, but Amir is way to selfish and ungrateful for me. Whenever he needs anything, he can always be assured that I'll be there to help him out. Yet, the few times that I ask a favour from him, he'll rarely do it. It has come to the point that he will tell me we will hang out that night, and I just make plans with other friends because I know him. I know that he won't call or even tell me he can't make it. He won't answer his phone. It's only when HE feels like hanging out with me, and I will always make time for him. He cheated on me when we were going out, and i forgave him. He fucked his ex-girlfriend. I forgave him. In fact, I actually forgot about it until work today after I rang out one of his friends. All of a sudden, I had an epiphany: "Why?"

He called me.
I haven't called back.
I don't want to.




I watch how the moon sits in the sky
On a dark night shining with the light from the sun
The sun doesn't give light to the moon
Assuming the moon's going to owe it one
It makes me think of how you act to me
You do favors and then rapidly
You just turn around and start asking me about
Things you want back from me


I'm sick of the tension, sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy
A place for my head
Maybe someday I'll be just like you, and
Step on people like you do and
Run away the people I thought I knew
I remember back then who you were
You used to be calm, used to be strong
Used to be generous, but you should've known
That you'd wear out your welcome
Now you see how quiet it is, all alone

You try to take the best of me
Go away (8x)

I have a couple goals for the summer that I'm going to try my best to do:

1) Read. This past semester i only wrote one essay out of class, and those i wrote in class that were about the books i read were so easily graded that i simply never read the book and still passed with a very good grade. I need to get back into the unlazyness of reading. Sitting still and concentrating on reading-even if it's a book i wanted to read-is surprisingly hard. So i'm thinking, what's going to happen if it's not what i want to read? Honestly i think i just need to get back into the habit/enjoyment of it.

2) Volenteer. As soon as my dad gets back from Europe I'm going to volenteer hopefully on all my days off work, if not most of them. I found a site that listed all the volenteer organizations in the area as well as the description of what the person would expect to do. My plan is to try a bunch of different places-from building houses to helping at animal shelters to fundraising to assisting old people in nursing homes and playing games and such with them.

3. Buddhism. I used to be so interested in this religion, and over time I got so busy and drifted away from it. But just this morning I've been texting my friend Alex about it and I just realised how much i missed it and the serenity you get from it. The temple is in Silver Spring so I'm not expecting to go there too often, but simply practicing this lifestyle is amazing in itself.

Theme Song for the Day:

I figured this one sort of belongs to a life i no longer have unfortunately.

Nevertheless, i'm amazingly happy =]

new blog:

http://ravingxxhippie.blogspot.com/

I'm hanging out with Amir everyday now.
Yesterday he called me and told me he got into a car accident and i was like &*(@!&#@

But thankfully he wasn't hurt at all-but his car was. Not too badly, but it will certainly cost money.
It was funny though, because despite all that he was like "and do you know the worst of it? I can't drive down and see you i'm so fucking pissed"

aw :]

So this morning i'm going to go visit him.
And then unfortunately both of us have to go to work in the late afternoon.


btw, blonde again. 

And i feel like a fail at life. I can't explain why. I suppose it's that uncontrollable desire to be "normal"...but in the same way i live by doing and dressing in a way that's not. Medically normal i suppose is what i want more than anything.


So this morning my dad woke me up, i got dressed and i think i went upstairs.

And that's all i remember.

The next thing i know i wake up on the couch with a searing headache and my dad standing opposite me looking incredibly concerned.

He told me i had a seizure...and that's pretty much all i remember before i passed out again.  
That and "you can stay home today"


I feel somehow that i fail though...like..i got by with more than four or five years without having ONE.
its been months and months and months without taking the medicine and i haven't had ONE.

And now here i am with this incredibly horrible searing headache spread throughout my brain with my tongue inflamed and part of it bitten off.

 :[

So yesterday i decide to go to the garage and look for tools to mount my new light system. (HOLY SHIT ITS AMAZING)
And me being my clumsy self decides to trip over the wire on the lawnmower and fall into the motorcycle and knock it over (but nothing got scratched because i held on to it as long as i could then let it down easily)

Now, i don't think anyone can concieve how much pressure Ben put on me on never even touching the motorcycle and taking incredible care of it...and here i am knocking it over.

So, of course, i started freaking out and kept trying to lift it and i couldn't and i would nearly lift it all the way but i couldn't get past that peeking point where the weight changes to the opposite side of the bike.

just...wow.  it was horrible.
And now my arms hurt like shit and my back hurts even more from overstraining it.

But yesterday was fun besides that :]

In the morning we had a meeting and then a bunch of us all went to Panera Bread together and omg it was so fun driving with the other two cars. Each of us had about 3 people in our cars and we were all blasting music and speeding.

And then last night i hung out with Ryan, Matt, and his girlfriend. we went bowling and then his girlfriend got dropped off and matt ryan and i went to see saw V.

worst mistake of my LIFE.


 

I've been here since yesterday. Now i'm sitting in the fishbowl while ben goes to work.
haha so last night Ben and I were just chilling in his dorm and Brett comes in the room totally wasted he couldn't even stand. Rather pathetic. And then he kept saying "HI MAGGIE!"

haha i didn't even know he remembered my name.

And hes still passed out on the floor and its nearly two.

Ugh, and i feel so weird because i've gotten close to Carly as of these past couple months and they broke up and now Andrew is sleeping with this other girl Dana and on one end i feel bad because carly has no idea and it's probably better that she doesn't and on another Dana is nice and they're happy together but i still am friends with Carly so it doesn't feel right.

L.
A.
M.
E.

But other than that, it's been awesome here :]
i loveee it.

Being with your favourite brother is by far the most amazing thing ever :D

 Yesterday i came home early from school because we had a half day for interums.  My dad apparently was supposed to be home by three or three-thirty at the latest.  And i haven't been allowed at all to drive The Beast because it's not legal and needs to go through transmission tests and all that fun stuff to be certified so my dad ABSOLUTELY won't allow me to drive it. The clock gets closer and closer to four o'clock and Ana agrees to help me find a key to the car and keeps telling me repeatedly "I'LL GIVE YOU THE KEYS MAGGIE BUT THE BLAME IS ALL ON YOU, OKAY? I'M NO PART OF THIS IT'S ALL ON YOU, YOU'RE TAKING THE BLAME AND GETTING IN TROUBLE" 

whatever.


So i wait until like 4:00 and i leave and at this point i'm freaking out and then i start driving and i go on auto-pilot to the school and then i realise i have to turn around and then i got lost and then i asked directions from this indian guy and ended up in rockville and then i ended up in this dog park and then i turn around and ended up in this new housing area for crazy rich people and then i turned around again and finally got the best buy an hour late.

Gas was low, i had one dollar in my pocket, i was late, i had no idea where my dad could be, i had no phone.


It was horrible :[

But, as always, things worked out okay. Juan didn't care that i was late since i'd never been before. I just stayed an hour later and closed the store. 

In the end, my dad had forgotten all about me. But he actually drove over to best buy and told me that he came to make sure i got home. haha. cute. but then we started racing each other and butting in front of each other on the way back and it was awesome...even more awesome with me being a crap piece of car and his major accelorator in his car. 

oh well. i still win :]

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I was sitting in my room doing AP Biology notes and i sat back pondering how it is possible that everythings so perfectly structured all the way down to the microscopic organelles of an organism.  How could our bodies have developed peristalsis? (what makes us able to swallow in space and upside down)  How is it that one microorganism developed into such a complex species as humans or even animals themselves? And then the nervous system works so perfectly and the sodium potassium pump maintaining homeostasis and the whole process of transciption and translation and just like..EVERYTHING.  How did we become so perfect?  

And then i started going on a tangent where i started thinking about what it's like NOT to be me. I know how i view myself, and how i view others through my eyes. But what am i like through theirs? For example, I know my dad through what he shows me and then he's like a whole other person having thoughts himself but its weird because i only know what I think...or do i even know what i think? Mr.Ornstein said that thoughts are the only things that are our own but are they really our own or just collections of opinions that have been taught or just told to us that we combine to form our own ideas.  Which ideas are ACTUALLY original?

I am so confused. Crazy thoughts boggle the mind that's for sure =]

I feel like i don't make sense anymore. About 25% of me pays attention to what conversation i'm in, and the other 75% is mixed up with a gazillion troubling thoughts. I can't figure it out. I know the answer but i can't figure out the steps.

And besides that people won't leave me alone i DON'T want to go to homecoming with them. There's nothing they can say to persuade me. And there's nothing i can say that they would understand.

But besides that i'm having an awesome time at work. It's fun being around Ryan and all those people all the time :]
Everyone there is so nice and how should i say it...HUGGABLE :D

As for my broken phone..i should be getting one tuesday :]

Today at work i was feeling so out of it and my dad is so incredibly sick, but i've felt fine most of the day so i don't know what was going on then.  I told him to drink vegetable juice (v8) but he won't drink it even though i've told him a million times it'll help him feel so much better...

Yesterday was amazing though! I drove down to college park with my dad and then spent the whole day with ben just walking around with him and talking and he showed me everything and we just talked and walked for hours and hours and then we went up to the top of the stadium and we could see the washington monument all the way in D.C. from where we stood.

I loved it there :]
Like i told ben yesterday, i seriously think there was some weird natural chaos that caused me to not be born in 1990.  Because everyone that's been important in my life is from class of '08.  And now they're all gone, and i'm still the high school girl stuck between what she has to do and what she knows is out there waiting for her.

FUCK. ME.


But on the lighter side, it was amazing :]  and we shared a huge cup of bubble tea together! (my favourite drink of all time) And later we played pool (while dancing as well because DDR was playing techno music the whole time) The strange thing was, ben and i both hadn't played pool in forever and we both we playing EXTREMELY well. it was awesome :]

My life from now on shall be:

1) swimming in the morning-and pretty much whenever i can otherwise..i love it :]
2) going to classes and laughing all the time with my lunch table boys..i need to make a name for them.
3) going to work
4) going to college park on the weekends! :D

And after tuesday, guess who can drive down all by herself?! :D

I just hope i have the time. 

On Wednesday the hiring lady called me around 3:30 and told me that i was hired and i started working at orientation at 5:00 and that i'd need to wear khakis, a white polo, and a brown belt to work...none of which i had. So my dad comes home and we rush to the school to get my working permit signed and then rush over to the mall to get some pants and a polo shirt and then rush over to best buy and barely make it at 5:00.

So then we sat in this enclosed white room and listened to policies and watched these over-enthusiastic-trying-to-be-funny movies for about three hours and i got paid doing it so yey!

haha and yesterday i waited for like forty-five minutes so the general manager could sort out my work schedule for the next week. and before i left he was like "by the way remember what time you came and left because we're paying you for waiting"

sweet, much? :D

So i work with Ryan all day and Becca and Walter are being hired there too (except they work in a different section)
But it's so awesome :D

)(*@)(#*@!#

AND GUESS WHO IS GOING TO COLLEGE PARK THIS WEEKEND TO VISIT BEN?!
(and jane of course too and all my other friends)

:D
:D
:D

 Skype is just never enough :(

I did everything with Ben. We knew every aspect of each other's lives.
How many times i would wake up or arrive home and sebastian would always be right there and i would just get up and do something crazy with him...from the three of us stealing fallen-down signs at two in the morning to walking around together at midnight freaking each other out telling scary stories.

We never watched the moon together. 
But when you come home we will :)

*sigh*
I'm so lonely :(